She didn’t want to live, but He showed her the way to hope

She didn’t want to live, but He showed her the way to hope

Zdeňka’s Story

Hi, my name is Zdeňka. I would say I had a nice childhood until my mom got sick. She fought cancer for a long time and then she died.

I wasn’t 13 years old yet. I’ve been thinking about my future since then. I thought about what I was going to do. I thought I would probably go to study then find a good job and start a family. But I thought it wasn’t enough. I thought there had to be something more, something bigger, but I didn’t know what it was. 

Then I got an invitation to rehearse a music performance at a Christmas concert in our village. The girls who rehearsed with me were believers and after this concert they offered to sing in church on Saturday evenings. I enjoyed it – I didn’t care what I sang about. Then we started singing at the services on Sundays and that was a whole new experience for me. We didn’t go to church with my family – my parents were atheists and they had a negative view of the church.

During those services I began to perceive who God is. That it’s logical that He just has to exist. I wanted to get to know Him. I read the Bible and found out that I made mistakes in many things. I wanted to change but I couldn’t do it. I was determined that I would be a better daughter, that I would study harder, that I would help more in the household. It may have worked for me for a while, but then I went back to what I was like before. It bothered me a lot because I knew that God was holy and that He could not bear anything unholy. I imagined that I would end up in hell one day. I thought that there is no hope for me because I can’t change.

At the same time I felt that God wanted me whole and not just this piece of me that I gave him. And I was afraid of that too because I didn’t know what would He wanted from me. My worries and fears peaked when I was in my third year of high school when I tried to commit suicide several times.

 I took pills and poisons which I managed to get. But every time I ate it and waited for death nothing happened.

I was neither sick nor vomiting. I just know God wanted me to live. When others found out about my suicide attempts I had to see a psychologist. But he didn’t help me or give me any advice.

Somehow I managed my life. It was the end of my first year of college when my friend invited me to a lecture. The lecturer talked all that time about hope which comes through Jesus Christ. It affected me a lot. At the end of the lecture he called on all who want to ask God for forgiveness. That we can accept forgiveness and start living a new life. I wanted to and I prayed for it, even though I was still worried about what would happen.

But since that evening my life has changed because of such great hope. I knew that I could change and that it wasn’t just on me but that God Almighty would help me. 


I was very calm and confident about the future. I was really happy and peaceful. 

I started to change. My relationship with my dad and my siblings had changed. I realized how selfish I was. I realized that I was very happy that I had them and that they were a blessing to me. I reconciled with my mother’s death. I’m really grateful I don’t suffer from self-pity. It’s really liberating. God gives me the strength to forgive.

I still think it was the best decision of my life and I am convinced that even in difficult times suicide is not the answer. On the contrary it complicates the lives of the people around you. Always, even in the most difficult moments, there is God and His hope and His forgiveness.

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